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One of my many ways of wasting time is hunting amusing and insightful quotes down on Usenet and the web.

I haven't harvested all of these myself; my main sources have been:

Bear in mind that I don't necessarily agree with all of these - some are included just because they're very funny.

I use these as my signatures on computing newsgroups, and have written some Emacs - see the Ron Echeverri quote - lisp code to help with this. Stick it in your ~/.emacs, if you like.

Here they are.

  well, take it from an old hand: the only reason it would be easier
  to program in C is that you can't easily express complex problems
  in C, so you don't.                   -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  ... but I guess there are some things that are so gross you just have
  to forget, or it'll destroy something within you.  perl is the first
  such thing I have known.              -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  it's not that perl programmers are idiots, it's that the language
  rewards idiotic behavior in a  way that no other language or tool
  has ever done                         -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  On the other hand, the following areas are subject to boycott
  in reaction to the rampant impurity of design or execution, as
  determined after a period of study, in no particular order:
    ...                              http://www.naggum.no/profile.html

  languages shape the way we think, or don't.
                                        -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  "declare"?  my bogometer indicates that you're really programming
  in some other language and trying to force Common Lisp into your
  mindset.  this won't work.            -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  incidentally, asking why things are "left out of the language" is
  a good sign that the asker is fairly clueless.
                                        -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  please realize that the Common  Lisp community is more than 40
  years old.  collectively, the community has already been where
  every clueless newbie  will be going for the next three years.
  so relax, please.                     -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  nonono,  while we're making wild  conjectures about the behavior
  of completely irrelevant tasks, we must not also make serious
  mistakes, or the data might suddenly become statistically valid.
                                        -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

3. Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
  -- Alan Perlis, http://www.cs.yale.edu/homes/perlis-alan/quotes.html

6. Symmetry is a complexity-reducing concept (co-routines include
   subroutines); seek it everywhere.
  -- Alan Perlis, http://www.cs.yale.edu/homes/perlis-alan/quotes.html

7. It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a
   correct one.
  -- Alan Perlis, http://www.cs.yale.edu/homes/perlis-alan/quotes.html

8. A programming language is low level when its programs require
   attention to the irrelevant.
  -- Alan Perlis, http://www.cs.yale.edu/homes/perlis-alan/quotes.html

31. Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
  -- Alan Perlis, http://www.cs.yale.edu/homes/perlis-alan/quotes.html

34. The string is a stark data structure and everywhere it is
    passed there is much duplication of process.  It is a perfect
    vehicle for hiding information.
  -- Alan Perlis, http://www.cs.yale.edu/homes/perlis-alan/quotes.html

39. Re graphics:  A picture is worth 10K words - but only those
    to describe the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be
    adequately described with pictures.
  -- Alan Perlis, http://www.cs.yale.edu/homes/perlis-alan/quotes.html

40. There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third
    one works.
  -- Alan Perlis, http://www.cs.yale.edu/homes/perlis-alan/quotes.html

41. Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but
    withstand progress.
  -- Alan Perlis, http://www.cs.yale.edu/homes/perlis-alan/quotes.html

42. You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his
    attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN.
  -- Alan Perlis, http://www.cs.yale.edu/homes/perlis-alan/quotes.html

48. The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in
    Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on
    anything for the layman.
  -- Alan Perlis, http://www.cs.yale.edu/homes/perlis-alan/quotes.html

58. Fools ignore complexity. Pragmatists suffer it. Some can avoid
    it. Geniuses remove it.
  -- Alan Perlis, http://www.cs.yale.edu/homes/perlis-alan/quotes.html

59. In English every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in
    our programming languages.
  -- Alan Perlis, http://www.cs.yale.edu/homes/perlis-alan/quotes.html

81. In computing, turning the obvious into the useful is a living
    definition of the word "frustration".
  -- Alan Perlis, http://www.cs.yale.edu/homes/perlis-alan/quotes.html

93. When someone says "I want a programming language in which I
    need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
  -- Alan Perlis, http://www.cs.yale.edu/homes/perlis-alan/quotes.html

112. Computer Science is embarrassed by the computer.
  -- Alan Perlis, http://www.cs.yale.edu/homes/perlis-alan/quotes.html

  There are 'infinite' number of developed artifacts and one cannot
  develop appreciation for them all.  It would be all right to not
  understand something, but it would be imbecilic to put judgements
  on things one don't understand.               -- Xah, comp.lang.lisp

  If i don't understand lisp, it would be wise to not bray about
  how lisp is stupid or otherwise criticize, because my stupidity
  would be archived and open for all in the know to see.
                                                -- Xah, comp.lang.lisp

  About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a
  pencil with a blunt axe.  It is equally vain to try to do
  it with ten blunt axes instead.
      -- E.W.Dijkstra, 18th June 1975. Perl did not exist at the time.

  [Perl] combines all the worst aspects of C and Lisp: a billion
  different sublanguages in one monolithic executable.  It combines
  the power of C with the readability of PostScript. -- Jamie Zawinski

  I saw `cout' being shifted "Hello world" times to the left and
  stopped right there.                                -- Steve Gonedes

 All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that
 the parts you are  reassembling were disassembled by you.  Therefore,
 if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all
 means, do not use a hammer.           -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925

  SCSI is not magic. There are fundamental technical reasons why it
  is necessary to sacrifice a young goat to your SCSI chain now and
  then.                                                  -- John Woods

  Of the four project development variables - scope, cost, time and
  quality - quality isn't really a free variable.  The only possible
  values are "excellent" and "insanely excellent", depending on
  whether lives are at stake.              -- Kent Beck, XP Explained

  But since I'm not trying to impress  anybody in The Software Big
  Top, I'd rather walk the wire using a big pole, a safety harness,
  a net, and with the wire not more than 3 feet off the ground.
                                   -- Grant Griffin, comp.lang.python

  Programming languages should be designed not by piling feature on
  top of feature, but by removing the weaknesses and restrictions
  that make the additional features appear necessary.
               -- Revised(5) Report on the Algorithmic Language Scheme

 (Of course SML does have its weaknesses, but by comparison, a
  discussion of C++'s strengths and flaws always sounds like an
  argument about whether one should face north or east when one
  is sacrificing one's goat to the rain god.)         -- Thant Tessman

  Or here's an even simpler indicator of how much C++ sucks: Print
  out the C++ Public Review Document.  Have someone  hold it about
  three feet  above your head and then drop it.  Thus  you will be
  enlightened.                                        -- Thant Tessman

  Sufficiently advanced political correctness is indistinguishable
  from irony.                                           -- Erik Naggum

  Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
       -- Donald E. Knuth, Structured Programming with goto Statements

  A witty saying proves nothing.                           -- Voltaire

  In case you're not a computer person, I should probably point out
  that "Real Soon Now" is a technical term meaning "sometime before
  the heat-death of the universe, maybe".
                                     -- Scott Fahlman <sef@cs.cmu.edu>

  Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
  because the stakes are so low.                      -- Wallace Sayre

  If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
  down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
                                                        -- Jack Handey

  One of the great skills in using any language is knowing what not
  to use, what not to say.  ... There's that simplicity thing again.
                                                       -- Ron Jeffries

  I have gathered a posie of other men's flowers, and nothing but
  the thread that binds them is my own.                   -- Montaigne

  Famous remarks are very seldom quoted correctly.
                                                    -- Simeon Strunsky

  The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
                                                -- W. Somerset Maugham

  For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple,
  neat, and wrong.                                    -- H. L. Mencken

  There are two ways of constructing a software design: one way is to
  make it so simple that there  are obviously no deficiencies and the
  other way  is to make it so complicated  that there are  no obvious
  deficiencies.                                      -- C. A. R. Hoare

  In general, I'd recommend injecting LSD directly into your temples,
  Syd-Barret-style, before mucking with Motif's resource framework.
  The former has far lower odds of leading directly to terminal
  insanity.                                            -- Dan Martinez

  Some people say that a monkey would bang out the complete works
  of Shakespeare on a typewriter give an unlimited amount of time.
  In the meantime, what they would probably produce is a valid
  sendmail configuration file.                    -- Nicholas Petreley

  how am I expected to quit smoking if I have to deal with NT
  every day                                                -- Ben Raia

  surely, somewhere, somehow, in the history of computing, at least
  one manual has been written that you could at least remotely
  attempt to consider possibly glancing at.              -- Adam Rixey

  I really hope there's a catastrophic bug in some future e-mail
  program where if you try and send an attachment it cancels your
  ISP account, deletes your harddrive, and pisses in your coffee
                                                         -- Adam Rixey

  I also fondly recall Paris because that's where I learned to
  debug Zetalisp while drunk.                          -- Olin Shivers

  /* I'd just like to take this moment to point out that C has all
     the expressive power of two dixie cups and a string.
   */                       -- Jamie Zawinski from the xkeycaps source

  In many ways, it's a dull language, borrowing solid old concepts
  from many other languages & styles:  boring syntax, unsurprising
  semantics, few  automatic coercions, etc etc.  But that's one of
  the things I like about it.                 -- Tim Peters, 16 Sep 93

  Strangely enough  I saw just such a beast at  the grocery store
  last night. Starbucks sells Javachip. (It's ice cream, but that
  shouldn't be an obstacle for the Java marketing people.)
                                         -- Jeremy Hylton, 29 Apr 1997

  Ya, ya, ya, except ... if I were built out of KSR chips, I'd
  be running at 25 or 50 MHz, and would be wrong about ALMOST
  EVERYTHING almost ALL THE TIME just due to being a computer!
                                              -- Tim Peters, 30 Apr 97

  The "of course, while I have no problem with this at all, it's
  surely too much for a lesser being" flavor of argument always
  rings hollow to me.                       -- Tim Peters, 29 Apr 1998

  Indeed, when I design my killer language, the identifiers "foo" and
  "bar" will be reserved words, never used, and not even mentioned in
  the reference manual. Any program using one will simply dump core
  without comment. Multitudes will rejoice. -- Tim Peters, 29 Apr 1998

  Two things I learned for sure during a particularly intense acid
  trip in my own lost youth: (1) everything is a trivial special case
  of something else; and, (2) death is a bunch of blue spheres.
                                             -- Tim Peters, 1 May 1998

  Just point your web browser at http://www.python.org/search/ and
  look for "program", "doesn't", "work", or "my". Whenever you find
  someone else whose program didn't work, don't do what they
  did. Repeat as needed.    -- Tim Peters, on python-help, 16 Jun 1998

  This makes it possible to pass complex object hierarchies to
  a C coder who thinks computer science has made no worthwhile
  advancements since the invention of the pointer.
                                       -- Gordon McMillan, 30 Jul 1998

  I've reinvented the idea of variables and types as in a
  programming language, something I do on every project.
                                          -- Greg Ward, September 1998

  We did requirements and task analysis, iterative design, and user
  testing. You'd almost think programming languages were an interface
  between people and computers.                    -- Steven Pemberton
          (one of the designers of Python's direct ancestor ABC)

  I never realized it before, but having looked that over I'm certain
  I'd rather have my eyes burned out by zombies with flaming dung
  sticks than work on a conscientious Unicode regex engine.
                                             -- Tim Peters, 3 Dec 1998

  Darned confusing, unless you have that magic ingredient coffee, of
  which I can pay you Tuesday for a couple pounds of extra-special
  grind today.                           -- John Mitchell, 11 Jan 1999

 "The future" has arrived but they forgot to update the docs.
                                        -- R. David Murray, 9 May 2000

  I'm sorry, was my bias showing again? :-)
                                      -- William Tanksley, 13 May 2000

  Arrrrgh, the braindamage!  It's not unlike the massively
  non-brilliant decision to use the period in abbreviations
  as well as a sentence terminator.  Had these people no
  imagination at _all_?                 -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  I wouldn't trust the Anglo-Saxons for much anything else.  Given
  they way English is spelled, who could trust them on _anything_ that
  had to do with writing things down, anyway?
                                        -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  Those who have deviant punctuation desires should take care of their
  own perverted needs.                  -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  That's why the smartest companies use Common Lisp, but lie about it
  so all their competitors think Lisp is slow and C++ is fast.  (This
  rumor has, however, gotten a little out of hand. :)
                                        -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  And then the character-only displays went away (leading to
  increasingly silly graphical effects and finally to ads on
  web pages).                      -- John W. Baxter, comp.lang.python

  After a heavy night I travelled on, my face toward home - the comma
  being by no means guaranteed.           -- paraphrased from cam.misc

  This is an off-the-top-of-the-head-and-not-quite-sober suggestion,
  so is probably technically laughable.  I'll see how embarassed I
  feel tomorrow morning.            -- Patrick Gosling, ucam.comp.misc

  Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them
  the usual way.  This happens to us all the time with computers,
  and nobody thinks of complaining.                      -- Jef Raskin

  If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a
  workstation?                            -- unknown (to me, at least)

  The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore,
  be regarded as a criminal offence.
           -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5

  Every day I send overnight packages filled with rabid weasels to
  people who use frames for no good reason.
                             -- The Usenet Oracle, Oracularity #1017-1

  If you don't use emacs, you're a pathetic, mewling, masochistic
  weakling and I can't be bothered to convert you.    -- Ron Echeverri

  Not only does the English Language borrow words from other
  languages, it sometimes chases them down dark alleys, hits
  them over the head, and goes through their pockets.   -- Eddy Peters

  Java sucks. [...] Java on TV set top boxes will suck so hard it
  might well inhale people from off  their sofa until their heads
  get wedged in the card slots.              --- Jon Rabone, ucam.chat

  If you give someone Fortran, he has Fortran.
  If you give someone Lisp, he has any language he pleases.
    -- Guy L. Steele Jr, quoted by David Rush in comp.lang.scheme.scsh

  I'm a keen cyclist and I stop at red lights.  Those who don't need
  hitting with a great big slapping machine.
                                           -- Colin Davidson, cam.misc

    -Dr. Olin Shivers,
     Ph.D., Cranberry-Melon School of Cucumber Science
                                           -- seen in comp.lang.scheme

  ... so the notion that it is meaningful to pass pointers to memory
  objects into which any random function may write random values
  without having a clue where they point, has _not_ been debunked as
  the sheer idiocy it really is.        -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  There are two kinds of large software systems: those that evolved
  from small systems and those that don't work.
                           -- Seen on slashdot.org, then quoted by amk

  You're posting to a Scheme group. Around here, arguing that Java is
  better than C++ is like arguing that grasshoppers taste better than
  tree bark.                        -- Thant Tessman, comp.lang.scheme

  The only problem with Microsoft is they just have no taste.
              -- Steve Jobs, (From _Triumph of the Nerds_ PBS special)
                                and quoted by Aahz on comp.lang.python

  I hate leaving Windows95 boxes publically accessible, so shifting
  even to NT is a blessing in some ways.  At least I can reboot them
  remotely in a sane manner, rather than having to send them malformed
  packets.      -- http://bofhcam.org/journal/journal.html, 20/06/2000

  C is not clean -- the language has _many_ gotchas and traps, and
  although its semantics are _simple_ in some sense, it is not any
  cleaner than the assembly-language design it is based on.
                                        -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  I'm okay with intellegent buildings, I'm okay with non-sentient
  buildings. I have serious reservations about stupid buildings.
     -- Dan Sheppard, ucam.chat (from Owen Dunn's summary of the year)

  Our lecture theatre has just crashed. It will currently only
  silently display an unexplained line-drawing of a large dog
  accompanied by spookily flickering lights.
     -- Dan Sheppard, ucam.chat (from Owen Dunn's summary of the year)

  Hmmm... its Sunday afternoon: I could do my work, or I could do a
  Fourier analysis of my computer's fan noise.
       -- Amit Muthu, ucam.chat (from Owen Dunn's summary of the year)

  I don't have any special knowledge of all this. In fact, I made all
  the above up, in the hope that it corresponds to reality.
                                            -- Mark Carroll, ucam.chat

  I'm not particularly fond of singing GSTQ because she stands for
  some things I don't, but it's not really worth letting politics
  getting in the way of a good bawling.     -- Dan Sheppard, ucam.chat

  $ head -n 2 src/bash/bash-2.04/unwind_prot.c
   /* I can't stand it anymore!  Please can't we just write the
      whole Unix system in lisp or something? */
                                       -- spotted by Rich van der Hoff

  If I had wanted your website to make noise I would have licked
  my finger and rubbed it across the monitor.
                           -- signature of "istartedi" on slashdot.org

  Good? Bad? Strap him into the IETF-approved witch-dunking
  apparatus immediately!                        -- NTK now, 21/07/2000

  In short, just business as usual in the wacky world of floating
  point <wink>.                        -- Tim Peters, comp.lang.python

  > Why are we talking about bricks and concrete in a lisp newsgroup?
  After long experiment it was found preferable to talking about why
  Lisp is slower than C++...
                        -- Duane Rettig & Tim Bradshaw, comp.lang.lisp

  I have a cat, so I know that when she digs her very sharp claws into
  my chest or stomach it's really a sign of affection, but I don't see
  any reason for programming languages to show affection with pain.
                                        -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  Q: What are 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
  A: A good start.
  (A lawyer told me this joke.)
                                  -- Michael Ströder, comp.lang.python

  Important data should not be entrusted to Pinstripe, as it may
  eat it and make loud belching noises.
   -- from the announcement of the beta of "Pinstripe" aka. Redhat 7.0

  I'd certainly be shocked to discover a consensus.  ;-)
                                             -- Aahz, comp.lang.python

  Considering that this thread is completely on-topic in the way only
  c.l.py threads can be, I think I can say that you should replace
  "Oblivion" with "Gravity", and increase your Radiohead quotient.
                                      -- Ben Wolfson, comp.lang.python

  That being done, all you have to do next is call free() slightly
  less often than malloc(). You may want to examine the Solaris
  system libraries for a particularly ambitious implementation of
  this technique.          -- Eric O'Dell, comp.lang.dylan (& x-posts)

  Java is a WORA language! (Write Once, Run Away)
                	-- James Vandenberg (on progstone@egroups.com)
                           & quoted by David Rush on comp.lang.scheme

  Get out your salt shakers folks, this one's going to take more
  than one grain.                 -- Ator in an Ars Technica news item

  M-x psych[TAB][RETURN]
                                                             -- try it

 As it seems to me, in Perl you have to be an expert to correctly make
 a nested data structure like, say, a list of hashes of instances.  In
 Python, you have to be an idiot not  to be able to do it, because you
 just write it down.             -- Peter Norvig, comp.lang.functional

 The rapid establishment of social ties, even of a fleeting nature,
 advance not only that goal but its standing in the uberconscious
 mesh of communal psychic, subjective, and algorithmic interbeing.
 But I fear I'm restating the obvious.  -- Will Ware, comp.lang.python

  Slim Shady is fed up with your shit, and he's going to kill you.
                         -- Eminem, "Public Service Announcement 2000"

  This song is for anyone ... fuck it.  Shut up and listen.
                         -- Eminem, "The Way I Am"

  Now this is what I don't get.  Nobody said absolutely anything
  bad about anything.  Yet it is always possible to just pull
  random flames out of ones ass.
         -- http://www.advogato.org/person/vicious/diary.html?start=60

  I have a feeling that any simple problem can be made arbitrarily
  difficult by imposing a suitably heavy administrative process
  around the development.       -- Joe Armstrong, comp.lang.functional

  People think I'm a nice guy, and the fact is that I'm a scheming,
  conniving bastard who doesn't care for any hurt feelings or lost
  hours of work if it just results in what I consider to be a better
  system.                                            -- Linus Torvalds

  This is the fixed point problem again; since all some implementors
  do is implement the compiler and libraries for compiler writing, the
  language becomes good at writing compilers and not much else!
                                 -- Brian Rogoff, comp.lang.functional

  Any form of evilness that can be detected without *too* much effort
  is worth it...  I have no idea what kind of evil we're looking for
  here or how to detect is, so I can't answer yes or no.
                                       -- Guido Van Rossum, python-dev

  > Look I don't know.  Thankyou everyone for arguing me round in
  > circles.
  No need for thanks, ma'am; that's what we're here for.
                                    -- LNR & Michael M Mason, cam.misc

[1] If you're lost in the woods, just bury some fibre in the ground
    carrying data. Fairly soon a JCB will be along to cut it for you
    - follow the JCB back to civilsation/hitch a lift.
                                               -- Simon Burr, cam.misc

  GET   *BONK*
  BACK  *BONK*
  IN    *BONK*
  THERE *BONK*             -- Naich using the troll hammer in cam.misc

  I would hereby duly point you at the website for the current pedal
  powered submarine world underwater speed record, except I've lost
  the URL.                                         -- Callas, cam.misc

  It's a measure of how much I love Python that I moved to VA, where
  if things don't work out Guido will buy a plantation and put us to
  work harvesting peanuts instead.     -- Tim Peters, comp.lang.python

  Roll on a game of competetive offence-taking.
                                            -- Dan Sheppard, ucam.chat

  Presumably pronging in the wrong place zogs it.
                                        -- Aldabra Stoddart, ucam.chat

  You sound surprised.  We're talking about a government department
  here - they have procedures, not intelligence.
                                            -- Ben Hutchings, cam.misc

  I don't remember any dirty green trousers.
                                             -- Ian Jackson, ucam.chat

  I also feel it essential to note, [...], that Description Logics,
  non-Monotonic Logics, Default Logics and Circumscription Logics 
  can all collectively go suck a cow. Thank you.
              -- http://advogato.org/person/Johnath/diary.html?start=4

 Very clever implementation techniques are required to implement this
 insanity correctly and usefully, not to mention that code written
 with this feature used and abused east and west is exceptionally
 exciting to debug.       -- Erik Naggum on Algol-style "call-by-name"

  The PROPER way to handle HTML postings is to cancel the article,
  then hire a hitman to kill the poster, his wife and kids, and fuck
  his dog and smash his computer into little bits. Anything more is
  just extremism.                                 -- Paul Tomblin, asr

  The ultimate laziness is not using Perl.  That saves you so much
  work you wouldn't believe it if you had never tried it.
                                        -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  There's a difference between random people with stripy jumpers, 
  and a respected scientist with a reputation.
                                            -- Steve Kitson, ucam.chat

  US elections
  For those of you fearing that the rest of the world might be 
  making fun of the US because of this: Rest assured, we are.
         -- http://www.advogato.org/person/jameson/diary.html?start=12

  ... but I'd rather not reinvent the wheel if I don't have to.  On
  the other hand, if the currently instantiated version of the wheel
  consists of a square rock covered with moss, I might as well just
  start fresh.                          -- Roy Smith, comp.lang.python

  Our Constitution never promised us a good or efficient government,
  just a representative one. And that's what we got.
      -- http://www.advogato.org/person/mrorganic/diary.html?start=109

  I'll write on my monitor fifty times 'I must not post self-indulgent
  wibble nobody is interested in to ucam.chat just because I'm bored
  and I can't find the bug I'm supposed to fix'.
                                            -- Steve Kitson, ucam.chat

  You owe The Oracle a TV with an 'intelligence' control - I've 
  tried 'brightness' but that didn't work.
                                      -- Internet Oracularity #1192-01

  I have long since given up dealing with people who hold idiotic
  opinions as if they had arrived at them through thinking about
  them.                                 -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  If comp.lang.lisp *is* what vendors are relying on to make or 
  break Lisp sales, that's more likely the problem than is the 
  effect of any one of us on such a flimsy marketing strategy...
                                      -- Kent M Pitman, comp.lang.lisp

  Well, you pretty much need Microsoft stuff to get misbehaviours
  bad enough to actually tear the time-space continuum.  Luckily 
  for you, MS Internet Explorer is available for Solaris.
                              -- Calle Dybedahl, alt.sysadmin.recovery

  I love the way Microsoft follows standards.  In much the same
  manner that fish follow migrating caribou.           -- Paul Tomblin
               -- http://home.xnet.com/~raven/Sysadmin/ASR.Quotes.html

  Never meddle in the affairs of NT. It is slow to boot and quick to
  crash.                                             -- Stephen Harris
               -- http://home.xnet.com/~raven/Sysadmin/ASR.Quotes.html

  For their next act, they'll no doubt be buying a firewall 
  running under NT, which makes about as much sense as 
  building a prison out of meringue.                     -- -:Tanuki:-
               -- http://home.xnet.com/~raven/Sysadmin/ASR.Quotes.html

  You can lead an idiot to knowledge but you cannot make him 
  think.  You can, however, rectally insert the information, 
  printed on stone tablets, using a sharpened poker.        -- Nicolai
               -- http://home.xnet.com/~raven/Sysadmin/ASR.Quotes.html

  Remember - if all you have is an axe, every problem looks 
  like hours of fun.                                        -- Frossie
               -- http://home.xnet.com/~raven/Sysadmin/ASR.Quotes.html

  I'm not sure that the ability to create routing diagrams 
  similar to pretzels with mad cow disease is actually a 
  marketable skill.                                     -- Steve Levin
               -- http://home.xnet.com/~raven/Sysadmin/ASR.Quotes.html

  First time I've gotten a programming job that required a drug
  test.  I was worried they were going to say "you don't have
  enough LSD in your system to do Unix programming".   -- Paul Tomblin
               -- http://home.xnet.com/~raven/Sysadmin/ASR.Quotes.html

  While preceding your entrance with a grenade is a good tactic in
  Quake, it can lead to problems if attempted at work.    -- C Hacking
               -- http://home.xnet.com/~raven/Sysadmin/ASR.Quotes.html

  All programs evolve until they can send email.      -- Richard Letts
  Except Microsoft Exchange.                                    -- Art
               -- http://home.xnet.com/~raven/Sysadmin/ASR.Quotes.html

  Clue: You've got the appropriate amount of hostility for the
  Monastery, however you are metaphorically getting out of the
  safari jeep and kicking the lions.                         -- coonec
               -- http://home.xnet.com/~raven/Sysadmin/ASR.Quotes.html

  QNX... the OS that walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, but is,
  in fact, a platypus. ... the adventures of porting duck software 
  to the platypus were avoidable this time.
                                 -- Chris Klein, alt.sysadmin.recovery

  Well, yes.  I don't think I'd put something like "penchant for anal
  play" and "able to wield a buttplug" in a CV unless it was relevant
  to the gig being applied for...
                                 -- Matt McLeod, alt.sysadmin.recovery

  ARTHUR:  Yes.  It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing
           cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door
           saying "Beware of the Leopard".
                    -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 1

    FORD:  Just put the fish in your ear, come on, it's only a
           little one.
  ARTHUR:  Uuuuuuuuggh!
                    -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 1

  ARTHUR:  Ford, you're turning into a penguin, stop it.
                    -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 2

  ZAPHOD:  OK, so ten out of ten for style, but minus several million
           for good thinking, eh?
                    -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 2

  MARVIN:  Do you want me to sit in a corner and rust, or just fall
           apart where I'm standing?
                    -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 2

  ARTHUR:  But which is probably incapable of drinking the coffee.
                    -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 6

  ARTHUR:  The ravenous bugblatter beast of Traal ... is it safe?
    FORD:  Oh yes, it's perfectly safe ... it's just us who are in 
           trouble.
                    -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 6

  ARTHUR:  Why should he want to know where his towel is?
    FORD:  Everybody should know where his towel is.
  ARTHUR:  I think your head's come undone.
                    -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 7

  ZAPHOD:  Listen three eyes, don't try to outweird me, I get stranger
           things than you free with my breakfast cereal.
                    -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 7

  ZAPHOD:  Who are you?
  ROOSTA:  A friend.
  ZAPHOD:  Oh yeah? Anyone's friend in particular, or just generally 
           well-disposed to people?               -- HHGttG, Episode 7

  ROOSTA:  Ever since you arrived on this planet last night you've
           been going round telling people that you're Zaphod
           Beeblebrox, but that they're not to tell anyone else.
                    -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 7

  MARVIN:  What a depressingly stupid machine.
                    -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 7

  ARTHUR:  Why should a rock hum?
    FORD:  Maybe it feels good about being a rock.
                    -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 8

  GAG: I think this is perfectly normal behaviour for a Vogon. ...
VOGON: That is exactly what you always say.
  GAG: Well, I think that is probably perfectly normal behaviour for a
      psychiatrist. -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 9

  NUTRIMAT:  That drink was individually tailored to meet your
             personal requirements for nutrition and pleasure.
    ARTHUR:  Ah.  So I'm a masochist on a diet am I?
                    -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 9

  ARTHUR:  Don't ask me how it works or I'll start to whimper.
                   -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 11

  ... with these conditions cam the realisation that ... nothing
  turned a perfectly normal healthy individual into a great political
  or military leader better than irreversible brain damage.
                   -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 11

  ... when all the programmes on all the channels actually were made
  by actors with cleft pallettes speaking lines by dyslexic writers
  filmed by blind cameramen instead of merely seeming like that, it
  somehow made the whole thing more worthwhile.   -- HHGTG, Episode 11

     ARTHUR:  Why are there three of you?
  LINTILLAS:  Why is there only one of you?
     ARTHUR:  Er... Could I have notice of that question?
                   -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 11

  SPIDER:  'Scuse me. [scuttles off]
  ZAPHOD:  One huge spider.
    FORD:  Polite though.
                   -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 11

  ZAPHOD:  You know what I'm thinking?
    FORD:  No.
  ZAPHOD:  Neither do I.  Frightening isn't it?
                   -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 11

  LINTILLA:  You could take some evening classes.
    ARTHUR:  What, here?
  LINTILLA:  Yes, I've got a bottle of them.  Little pink ones.
                   -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 12

  MARVIN:  Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again.
                   -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 12

  To summarise the summary of the summary:- people are a problem.
                   -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 12

  MAN:  How can I tell that the past isn't a fiction designed to
        account for the discrepancy between my immediate physical
        sensations and my state of mind?
                   -- The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 12

  The Internet is full.  Go away.
                      -- http://www.disobey.com/devilshat/ds011101.htm

                    >> REVIEW OF THE YEAR, 2000 <<
                   It was shit. Give us another one.
                           -- NTK Now, 2000-12-29, http://www.ntk.net/

  Need to Know is usually an interesting UK digest of things that
  happened last week or might happen next week. [...] This week,
  nothing happened, and we don't care.
                           -- NTK Now, 2000-12-29, http://www.ntk.net/

  Just getting something to work usually means writing reams of code
  fast, like a Stephen King novel, but making it maintainable and
  high-quality code that really expresses the ideas well, is like
  writing poetry.  Art is taking away.  -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  Counting lines is probably a good idea if you want to print it out
  and are short on paper, but I fail to see the purpose otherwise.
                                        -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  CLiki pages can be edited by anybody at any time. Imagine the most
  fearsomely comprehensive legal disclaimer you have ever seen, and
  double it                        -- http://ww.telent.net/cliki/index

  we're already scrubbing the face of intuition with steel wool,
  setting it on fire, then putting it out with an axe <wink>.
                      -- Tim Peters, on comparing recursive structures

  same software, different verbosity settings (this one goes to
  eleven)                             -- the effbot on the martellibot

  It could be argued that since Suitespot is infinitely terrible,
  that anything else, by very definition of being anything else,
  is infinitely superior.                -- ".", alt.sysadmin.recovery

  The meaning of "brunch" is as yet undefined.
                                             -- Simon Booth, ucam.chat

  : exploding like a turd
  Never had that happen to me, I have to admit.  They do that
  often in your world?              -- Eric The Read & Dave Brown, asr

  Haha! You had a *really* weak argument! <wink>
                                      -- Moshe Zadka, comp.lang.python

  : Giant screaming pieces of excrement, they are.
  I have a feeling that some of the people in here have a 
  MUCH more exciting time relieving themselves than I do.
                                       -- Mike Sphar & Dave Brown, asr

  First of all, email me your AOL password as a security measure. You
  may find that won't be able to connect to the 'net for a while. This
  is normal. The next thing to do is turn your computer upside down
  and shake it to reboot it.                     -- Darren Tucker, asr

  [3] Modem speeds being what they are, large .avi files were
      generally downloaded to the shell server instead[4].
  [4] Where they were usually found by the technical staff, and
      burned to CD.                                   -- Carlfish, asr

  Just put the user directories on a 486 with deadrat7.1 and turn the
  Octane into the afforementioned beer fridge and keep it in your
  office. The lusers won't notice the difference, except that you're
  more cheery during office hours.              -- Pim van Riezen, asr

    . <- the point                                your article -> .
    |------------------------- a long way ------------------------|
                                       -- Christophe Rhodes, ucam.chat

  A.D. 1517: Martin Luther nails his 95 Theses to the church door and
             is promptly moderated down to (-1, Flamebait).
        -- http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=01/02/09/1815221&cid=52
                                        (although I've seen it before)

  Every now and then, Google doesn't throw up what I need so I start
  checking Altavista, Yahoo, etc.  In almost every single case, I am
  brutally reminded why I use Google in the first place.
                                                  -- John Riddoch, asr

  at any rate, I'm satisfied that not only do they know which end of
  the pointy thing to hold, but where to poke it for maximum effect.
                                  -- Eric The Read, asr, on google.com

  The above comment may be extremely inflamatory. For your
  protection, it has been rot13'd twice.
                           -- the signature of "JWhitlock" on slashdot

  It's actually a corruption of "starling".  They used to be carried.
  Since they weighed a full pound (hence the name), they had to be
  carried by two starlings in tandem, with a line between them.
                 -- Alan J Rosenthal explains "Pounds Sterling" on asr

  BUGS   Never use this function.  This function modifies its first
         argument.   The  identity  of  the delimiting character is
         lost.  This function cannot be used on constant strings.
                                    -- the glibc manpage for strtok(3)

  I sense much distrust in you.  Distrust leads to cynicism, cynicism
  leads to bitterness, bitterness leads to the Awareness Of True
  Reality which is referred to by those-who-lack-enlightenment as
  "paranoia".  I approve.    -- David P. Murphy, alt.sysadmin.recovery

  C++ is a siren song.  It *looks* like a HLL in which you ought to
  be able to write an application, but it really isn't.
                                       -- Alain Picard, comp.lang.lisp

  This is not to say C++ = bad, Lisp = good.  It's to say
  C++ = bad irrespective of everything else.
                                       -- Alain Picard, comp.lang.lisp

 "Well, the old ones go Mmmmmbbbbzzzzttteeeeeep as they start up and
  the new ones go whupwhupwhupwhooopwhooooopwhooooooommmmmmmmmm."
                         -- Graham Reed explains subway engines on asr

  If your telephone company installs a system in the woods with no
  one around to see them, do they still get it wrong?
                                 -- Robert Moir, alt.sysadmin.recovery

  That one is easily explained away as massively intricate
  conspiracy, though.            -- Chris Klein, alt.sysadmin.recovery

  My hat is lined with tinfoil for protection in the unlikely event
  that the droid gets his PowerPoint presentation working.
                               -- Alan W. Frame, alt.sysadmin.recovery

  The gripping hand is really that there are morons everywhere, it's
  just that the Americon morons are funnier than average.
                              -- Pim van Riezen, alt.sysadmin.recovery

  Hey, if I thought I was wrong, I'd change my mind.  :)
                                    -- Grant Edwards, comp.lang.python

  MGM will not get your whites whiter or your colors brighter.
  It will, however, sit there and look spiffy while sucking down
  a major honking wad of RAM.              -- http://www.xiph.org/mgm/

  > I'm a little confused.
  That's because you're Australian!  So all the blood flows to
  your head, away from the organ most normal guys think with.
                        -- Mark Hammond & Tim Peters, comp.lang.python

  I've even been known to get Marmite *near* my mouth -- but never
  actually in it yet.  Vegamite is right out.
 UnicodeError: ASCII unpalatable error: vegamite found, ham expected
                                       -- Tim Peters, comp.lang.python

  Make this IDLE version 0.8.  (We have to skip 0.7 because that 
  was a CNRI release in a corner of the basement of a government 
  building on a planet circling Aldebaran.)
                             -- Guido Van Rossum, in a checkin comment

  There's an aura of unholy black magic about CLISP.  It works, but
  I have no idea how it does it.  I suspect there's a goat involved
  somewhere.                     -- Johann Hibschman, comp.lang.scheme

  > so python will fork if activestate starts polluting it?
  I find it more relevant to speculate on whether Python would fork
  if the merpeople start invading our cities riding on the backs of 
  giant king crabs.                 -- Brian Quinlan, comp.lang.python

  It *is*, however, rather juvenile, in contravention of the 
  Trades Descriptions Act, and will lead eventually to the Dragon 
  of Unhappiness flying up your bottom.      -- Peter Ellis, ucam.chat

  The Oxford Bottled Beer Database heartily disapproves of the 
  excessive consumption of alcohol.  No, really.
                        -- http://www.bottledbeer.co.uk/beergames.html
                           (now sadly gone to the big 404 in the sky)

  > So what does "abc" / "ab" equal?
  cheese
         -- Steve Holden defends obscure semantics on comp.lang.python

  (ps: don't feed the lawyers: they just lose their fear of humans)
                                         -- Peter Wood, comp.lang.lisp

  Worryingly, DEFUN appears to be a function that removes all the
  fun from something: after using it all your code is converted 
  to C++.                              -- Tim Bradshaw, comp.lang.lisp

  Finding a needle in a haystack is a lot easier if you burn down
  the haystack and scan the ashes with a metal detector.
      -- the Silicon Valley Tarot (another one nicked from David Rush)

  You have run into the classic Dmachine problem: your machine has
  become occupied by a malevolent spirit.  Replacing hardware or
  software will not fix this - you need an exorcist. 
                                       -- Tim Bradshaw, comp.lang.lisp

  ... Windows proponents tell you that it will solve things that
  your Unix system people keep telling you are hard.  The Unix 
  people are right: they are hard, and Windows does not solve 
  them, ...                            -- Tim Bradshaw, comp.lang.lisp

  Richard Gabriel was wrong: worse is not better, lying is better.
  Languages and systems succeed in the marketplace to the extent that
  their proponents lie about what they can do.
                                       -- Tim Bradshaw, comp.lang.lisp

  Lisp does badly because we refuse to lie.  When people ask us if 
  we can solve insoluble problems we say that we can't, and because 
  they expect us to lie to them, they find some other language
  where the truth is less respected.   -- Tim Bradshaw, comp.lang.lisp

  Like most people, I don't always agree with the BDFL (especially
  when he wants to change things I've just written about in very 
  large books), ... 
         -- Mark Lutz, http://python.oreilly.com/news/python_0501.html

  Q: Isn't it okay to just read Slashdot for the links?
  A: No. Reading Slashdot for the links is like having "just one hit"
     off the crack pipe.
     -- http://www.cs.washington.edu/homes/klee/misc/slashdot.html#faq

  Reading Slashdot can [...] often be worse than useless, especially
  to young and budding programmers: it can give you exactly the wrong
  idea about the technical issues it raises.
 -- http://www.cs.washington.edu/homes/klee/misc/slashdot.html#reasons

  I never disputed the Perl hacking skill of the Slashdot creators. 
  My objections are to the editors' taste, the site's ugly visual 
  design, and the Slashdot community's raging stupidity.
     -- http://www.cs.washington.edu/homes/klee/misc/slashdot.html#faq

  If you don't have friends with whom to share links and conversation,
  you have social problems and you should confront them instead of
  joining a cultlike pseudo-community.    -- "Quit Slashdot.org Today!"
   (http://www.cs.washington.edu/homes/klee/misc/slashdot.html#faq)

  If you have too much free time and can't think of a better way to
  spend it than reading Slashdot, you need a hobby, a job, or both.
     -- http://www.cs.washington.edu/homes/klee/misc/slashdot.html#faq

  Gullible editorial staff continues to post links to any and all
  articles that vaguely criticize Linux in any way.
         -- Reason #4 for quitting slashdot today, from
            http://www.cs.washington.edu/homes/klee/misc/slashdot.html

  Screaming 14-year-old boys attempting to prove to each other that
  they are more 3133t than j00.
         -- Reason #8 for quitting slashdot today, from
            http://www.cs.washington.edu/homes/klee/misc/slashdot.html

  I think my standards have lowered enough that now I think ``good
  design'' is when the page doesn't irritate the living fuck out of 
  me.                        -- http://www.jwz.org/gruntle/design.html

  Monte Carlo sampling is no way to understand code.
                                  -- Gordon McMillan, comp.lang.python

  In the 1950s and 60s there was a regular brain drain of young
  Australians from the cities to London, but it was because of 
  money, culture and opportunity, not spiders.
           -- Al Grant, ucam.chat, from Owen Dunn's review of the year

  Also, remember to put the galaxy back when you've finished, or an
  angry mob of astronomers will come round and kneecap you with a
  small telescope for littering. 
       -- Simon Tatham, ucam.chat, from Owen Dunn's review of the year

  I think perhaps we should have electoral collages and construct
  our representatives entirely of little bits of cloth and papier 
  mache.          -- Owen Dunn, ucam.chat, from his review of the year

  (Unfortunately, while you get Tom Baker saying "then we 
   were attacked by monsters", he doesn't flash and make 
  "neeeeooww-sploot" noises.)
      -- Gareth Marlow, ucam.chat, from Owen Dunn's review of the year

  We've had a lot of problems going from glibc 2.0 to glibc 2.1.
  People claim binary compatibility.  Except for functions they
  don't like.                       -- Peter Van Eynde, comp.lang.lisp

  But since your post didn't lay out your assumptions, your goals,
  or how you view language characteristics as fitting in with 
  either, you're not a *natural* candidate for embracing Design by 
  Contract <0.6 wink>.    -- Tim Peters, giving Eiffel adoption advice

  I have no disaster recovery plan for black holes, I'm afraid.  Also
  please be aware that if it one looks imminent I will be out rioting
  and setting fire to McDonalds (always wanted to do that) and
  probably not reading email anyway.                     -- Dan Barlow

  All obscurity will buy you is time enough to contract venereal
  diseases.                                  -- Tim Peters, python-dev

  > say-hi-to-the-flying-pink-elephants-for-me-ly y'rs,
  No way, the flying pink elephants are carrying MACHINE GUNS!
  Aiiee!!  Time for a kinder, gentler hallucinogen...
                               -- Barry Warsaw & Greg Ward, python-dev

  Unfortunately, nigh the whole world is now duped into thinking that 
  silly fill-in forms on web pages is the way to do user interfaces.  
                                        -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  An encyclopedia is about being as accurate as it can, not being
  evenly misinformed.                     -- Coby Beck, comp.lang.lisp

  If Unicode is a horde of zombies with flaming dung sticks, 
  the hideous intricacies of JIS, Chinese Big-5, Chinese 
  Traditional, KOI-8, et cetera are at least an army of ogres 
  with salt and flensing knives.        -- Eric S. Raymond, python-dev

  But maybe I've just programmed in enough different languages to
  assume that they are, in fact, different.
     -- Tony J Ibbs explains why Python isn't Java on comp.lang.python

  > Emacs is a fashion statement.
  No, Gnus is a fashion statement.  Emacs is clothing.  Everyone 
  else is running around naked.
        -- Karl Kleinpaste & Jonadab the Unsightly One, gnu.emacs.gnus

  Windows installation day one.  Getting rid of the old windows 
  was easy - they fell apart quite happily, and certainly wont 
  be re-installable anywhere else.   -- http://www.linux.org.uk/diary/
                                       (not *that* sort of windows...)

  Its unmanageable complexity has spawned more fear-preventing tools
  than any other language, but the solution _should_ have been to 
  create and use a language that does not overload the whole goddamn 
  human brain with irrelevant details.  -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  I believe C++ instills fear in programmers, fear that the
  interaction of some details causes unpredictable results.
                                        -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  > Touche! But this confirms you are composed of logic gates.
  Crud, I thought those were neurons in there.
                    -- Thomas F. Burdick, Kenny Tilton, comp.lang.lisp

  The Programmer's Quick Guide To Python (Time Machine version):
    You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to realize that
    there's no need, since Guido thoughtfully shot you in the foot 
    years ago.                     -- Nick Mathewson, comp.lang.python

  If you're talking "useful", I'm not your bot.
                                            -- Tim Peters, 08 Nov 2001

  "Also, does the simple algorithm you used in Cyclops have a name?"
  "Not officially, but it answers to "hey, dumb-ass!"
                       -- Neil Schemenauer and Tim Peters, 23 Feb 2001

  If I didn't have my part-time performance art income to help 
  pay the bills, I could never afford to support my programming 
  lifestyle.                                -- Jeff Bauer, 21 Apr 2000

  The bottom tier is what a certain class of wanker would call
  "business objects" ...                      -- Greg Ward, 9 Dec 1999

  Do I do everything in C++ and teach a course in advanced swearing?
         -- David Beazley at IPC8, on choosing a language for teaching

  Guido (like us!) is a bit schizophrenic here: he wants to be a
  benevolent dictator, but also wants to treat people like
  grownups. This probably worked better before Python got a large
  American audience <0.9 wink>.             -- Tim Peters, 10 Feb 2000

   This proposal, if accepted, will probably mean a heck of a lot of
   work for somebody.  But since I don't want it accepted, I don't
   care.                                   -- Laura Creighton, PEP 666

  Ability to type on a computer terminal is no guarantee of sanity,
  intelligence, or common sense. 
                                 -- Gene Spafford's Axiom #2 of Usenet

 "An infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of keyboards
  could produce something like Usenet."
 "They could do a better job of it."
              -- the corollaries to Gene Spafford's Axiom #2 of Usenet

 "Sturgeon's Law (90% of everything is crap) applies to Usenet."
 "Nothing guarantees that the 10% isn't crap, too."
                -- Gene Spafford's Axiom #2 of Usenet, and a corollary

  Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
  massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and
  a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least 
  expect it.                                             -- spaf (1992)

 Have you considered downgrading your arrogance to a reasonable level?
        -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp, to yet another C++-using troll

  I'm about to search Google for contract assassins to go to Iomega
  and HP's programming groups and kill everyone there with some kind
  of electrically charged rusty barbed thing.
                -- http://bofhcam.org/journal/journal.html, 2002-01-08

  Whaaat? That is the most retarded thing I have seen since, oh,
  yesterday                             -- Kaz Kylheku, comp.lang.lisp

  In that case I suggest that to get the correct image you look at
  the screen from inside the monitor whilst standing on your head.  
               -- James Bonfield, http://www.ioccc.org/2000/rince.hint

6. The code definitely is not portable - it will produce incorrect 
   results if run from the surface of Mars.
               -- James Bonfield, http://www.ioccc.org/2000/rince.hint

  Python enjoys making tradeoffs that drive *someone* crazy <wink>.
                                       -- Tim Peters, comp.lang.python

  > With Python you can start a thread, but you can't stop it.  Sorry.
  > You'll have to wait until reaches the end of execution.
  So, just the same as c.l.py, then?
                       -- Cliff Wells & Steve Holden, comp.lang.python

  if-you-need-your-own-xxx.py-you-know-where-to-shove-it<wink>-ly 
  y'rs - tim
              -- Tim Peters dishes out versioning advice on python-dev

  No.  In fact, my eyeballs fell out just from reading this question,
  so it's a good thing I can touch-type.
                                    -- John Baez, sci.physics.research

  Structure is _nothing_ if it is all you got.  Skeletons _spook_
  people if they try to walk around on their own.  I really wonder 
  why XML does not.                     -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  A difference which makes no difference is no difference at all.
                        -- William James (I think.  Reference anyone?)

  I think if we have the choice, I'd rather we didn't explicitly put
  flaws in the reST syntax for the sole purpose of not insulting the
  almighty.                                    -- /will on the doc-sig

  For the record, the NTL telephone voicemaze jail is almost as
  well-planned. I dialled the status recording, which is information-
  rich in much the same way as 10 Angstroms is a long way...
      -- Dan Barlow vs NTL: http://ww.telent.net/diary/2002/6/#18.8983

  It's an especially annoying American buzzword for "business use, 
  as opposed to consumer, research, or educational use".
                                    -- Tim Peters defines "enterprise"

  Enlightenment is probably antithetical to impatience.
                                        -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

  > It might get my attention if you'd spin around in your chair,
  > spoke in tongues, and puked jets of green goblin goo.
  I can arrange for this.  ;-)            -- Barry Warsaw & Fred Drake

  I have *both* hands clapping, but I'm still not sure it's a sound.
  When I tried deciding if it were a sound while clapping only one
  hand, I fell off my chair.
                         -- Peter Hansen, Zen master, comp.lang.python

  Many of the posts you see on Usenet are actually from moths.  You
  can tell which posters they are by their attraction to the flames.
                                      -- Internet Oracularity #1279-06

[1]For those of you who aren't aware "tossing" is a euphamism for,
   well, vigourously rubbing your love pole. You understand?
   Flogging the dolphin.  Stretching the chicken's neck. Waving your
   magic wand.  Basically, wanking.  -- Just another Morfans SDA update

  Exam invigilation - it doesn't come much harder than that, esp if
  the book you're reading turns out to be worse than expected.
                                  -- Dirk Bruere, sci.physics.research

  Lisp nearing the age of 50 is the most modern language out
  there. GC, dynamic, reflective, the best OO model extant including
  GFs, procedural macros, and the only thing old-fashioned about it 
  is that it is compiled and fast.   -- Kenny Tilton, comp.lang.python

  If design space weren't so vast, and the good solutions so small a
  portion of it, programming would be a lot easier.
                                            -- maney, comp.lang.python

  My first thought was someone should offer Mr. Bush elocution
  lessons.  But he'd probably say he knew how to work them chairs
  already.                            -- Internet Oracularity #1294-01

  > Well, as an American citizen I hope that the EU tells the MPAA 
  > and RIAA to shove it where the Sun don't shine.
  Actually they already did. Only first they bent over and dropped
  their trousers.      -- Shmuel (Seymour J.) Metz & Toni Lassila, asr

  When physicists speak of a TOE, they don't really mean a theory
  of *everything*.  Taken literally, "Everything" covers a lot of
  ground, including biology, art, decoherence and the best way to
  barbecue ribs.                    -- John Baez, sci.physics.research

  #ifndef P_tmpdir
  printf( "Go buy a better computer" );
  exit( ETHESKYISFALLINGANDIWANTMYMAMA );
                         -- Dimitri Maziuk on writing secure code, asr

  You owe the Oracle a star-spangled dunce cap.
                                      -- Internet Oracularity #1299-08

  I located the link but haven't bothered to re-read the article,
  preferring to post nonsense to usenet before checking my facts.
                                      -- Ben Wolfson, comp.lang.python

  Gevalia is undrinkable low-octane see-through only slightly
  roasted bilge water. Compared to .us coffee it is quite
  drinkable.                                      -- Måns Nilsson, asr

  Or if you happen to be resigned to the size of your trouser
  snake and would rather not be reminded of it, training a shared
  classifier to reject penis-enlargement spam stops Barry from
  getting the help he so desperately needs.  -- Tim Peters, c.l.python

  Check out the comments in this source file that start with:
  # Oh, lord help us.
            -- Mark Hammond gets to play with the Outlook object model

  Ignoring the rules in the FAQ: 1" slice in spleen and prevention 
    of immediate medical care.
                                              -- Mark C. Langston, asr

  It is time-consuming to produce high-quality software. However,
  that should not alone be a reason to give up the high standards
  of Python development.              -- Martin von Loewis, python-dev

  It is never worth a first class man's time to express a majority
  opinion.  By definition, there are plenty of others to do that.
                                                        -- G. H. Hardy

  It's relatively seldom that desire for sex is involved in 
  technology procurement decisions.          -- ESR at EuroPython 2002

 "I lacked the courage to investigate the weaknesses of the wicked,
  because I discovered they are the same as the weaknesses of the
  saintly."                       -- The Name Of The Rose, Umberto Eco

  And not only in the sense that they imagine heretics where these
  do not exist, but also that inquistors repress the heretical
  putrefaction so vehemently that many are driven to share in it,
  in their hatred of the judges.  -- The Name Of The Rose, Umberto Eco

  ... the U.S. Department of Transportation today disclosed that its
  agents have recently cleared airport security checkpoints with an 
  M1 tank, a beluga whale, and a fully active South American volcano.
             -- http://www.satirewire.com/news/march02/screeners.shtml

  > You're already using asyncore so you can't really be worried
  > about complexity <wink>.
(-8  .helps which, demand on backwards work to brain my rewired I've
                                      -- Jeremy Hylton & Richie Hindle

  The word "Fascism" has now no meaning except in so far as it
  signifies 'something not desirable'.
               -- George Orwell in "Politics and the English Language"

  > Or can I sweep that can of worms under the rug?
  Please shove them under the garage.
   -- Greg Ward and Guido van Rossum mix their metaphors on python-dev

  > I wouldn't want to live without readline, but some of the 
  > things it does call for the application of thumbscrews.
                                                   -- me on python-dev

  Also, whenever a programmer thinks, "Hey, skins, what a cool idea",
  their computer's speakers should create some sort of cock-shaped
  soundwave and plunge it repeatedly through their skulls.
  -- http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=jwz&itemid=123070

  Darn!  I've only got 10 minutes left to get falling-down drunk!  I
  suppose I'll have to smoke crack instead now.
                     -- Tim Peters is checking things in on 2002-12-31

  You can remove divmod() when I'm dead.  Before then, it stays.
  I'm sure all will agree that's a reasonable compromise.
                               -- Tim Peters negotiating on python-dev

  faassen: anyway, if nothing else flapping your arms running around 
           will at least give an impression of activity. :)

  (Pdb) operationerr.w_value.w_value.w_value.w_value.w_value.w_value
  <pypy.interpreter.executioncontext.OperationError instance at 0x5eee30>
                         -- one of the clearer PyPy debugging sessions

  python py.py ~/Source/python/dist/src/Lib/test/pystone.py
  Pystone(1.1) time for 5000 passes = 19129.1
  This machine benchmarks at 0.261381 pystones/second

  You're going to have to remember that I still think of Twisted as
  a big multiplayer game, and all this HTTP stuff is just kind of a
  grotty way to display room descriptions.          -- Glyph Lefkowitz

  > What are mathematicians' critical job skills? [...]
  The ability to work long and hard on entirely meaningless problems.
                           -- Michael Hudson & Gordon McMillan, c.l.py

  Hiro dicks about with his computer, naturally.  Being stranded 
  on a life raft in the Pacific is a perfect venue for a hacker.
                                        -- Snow Crash, Neal Stephenson

  The source passes lint without any complaint (if invoked with
  >/dev/null).    -- Daniel Fischer, http://www.ioccc.org/1998/df.hint

  If you still persist in writing, "Good food at it's best", you
  deserve to be struck by lightning, hacked up on the spot and 
  buried in an unmarked grave.
                               -- Lynne Truss, "Eats, Shoots & Leaves"

  What the semicolon's anxious supporters fret about is the tendency
  of contemporary writers to use a dash instead of a semicolon and
  thus precipitate the end of the world.
                               -- Lynne Truss, "Eats, Shoots & Leaves"

  <xyld> what proportion of Swedes speak english?
  <bea> xyld: all those with teeth

  If we can only figure out a way to transform the key signing party
  into a drinking game, I think we'd get a much higher level of
  participation.                                       -- Barry Warsaw

  <teratorn> I must be missing something. It is not possible to be
             this stupid.  
  <Yhg1s> you don't meet a lot of actual people, do you?

  <washort> glyph: you're evil, too
  <glyph> washort: I try
  <washort> not the good kind of evil
  <washort> the other kind                      -- from Twisted.Quotes

 <cube> If you are anal, and you love to be right all the time, C++
   gives you a multitude of mostly untimportant details to fret about
   so you can feel good about yourself for getting them "right", 
   while missing the big picture entirely       -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <glyph> now you're probably wondering how to run cvs
  <samuel> actually i was thinking of naked women.
  <samuel> but sure.                            -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <moshez> glyph: I don't know anything about reality.
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <Yosomono> rasterman is the millionth monkey
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <radix> I feel so special when people quote me
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <glyph> It's just like a method call, but ON FIRE AND UPSIDE DOWN!!!
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <faassen> I'm not a PSU agent.
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <glyph> I am *not* a PSU agent.
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <mitiege> dash: where do you go to school?
  <tpck> mitiege: PSU
  <mitiege> tpck: didn't faassen go there too?
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <Erwin> #python FAQ: How do I build X? A: Wait for twisted.X.
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <churchr> glyph: So why can't you make that into a database?
  <glyph> churchr: I will set you on fire.
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <glyph> "Fetch me my internet pants."
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <dash> web in my head get it out get it out
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <thirmite> what's a web widget??
  <glyph> thirmite: internet on a stick, on fire
  <Acapnotic> with web sauce!                   -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <Aardappel> this "I hate c++" is so old
  <dash> it's as old as C++, yes
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <dash> moshez: you aren't  making sense now
  <moshez> dash: *now*? I'm not making sense *now*?
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <glyph> yo ho ho and a bottle of internet
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <SteveA> I just had a very odd phone call
  <SteveA> from a researcher with the french TV station "TF1"
  <SteveA> asking about inflatable football referees
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <datazone> okay, tell me if i am crazy
  <Yosomono> you are
  <datazone> damn                               -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <glyph> CDATA is not an integration strategy.
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <bruce> how are the jails in israel?
  <itamar> well, the one I was in was pretty nice
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <glyph> we need PB for C#
  * moshez squishes glyph
  <moshez> glyph: squishy insane person
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  * vegai wears his reading bra.
  <vegai> umm, I mean glasses                   -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <datazone> you're a towel
  <exarkun> a towel of IMMENSE POWER, yes.
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <dash> it's like a bicycle
  <dash> but with internet                      -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <wzZzy> I tried to use woven.guard sunday night
  <hazmat> and?
  <wzZzy> hazmat: glyph's powers of obfuscation are considerable
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <wzZzy> we should write an os
  <itamar> YES
  * itamar starts a sourceforge project
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <shapr> ucking keyoar
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <Nafai> w00t w00t w00t w00t!
  <Nafai> I don't understand all of the code, but it works!
  <Nafai> I guess I should check it in.
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <MFen> want to write my requirements for me?
  <radix> Sure!
  <radix> "show a dancing monkey in the about box"
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <exarkun> today's lesson
  <exarkun> don't strace X in an xterm
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <exarkun> speak of the devil
  <moshez> exarkun: froor
  <exarkun> not you                             -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <etrepum> Jokes around here tend to get followed by implementations.
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <moshez> but yes, theoretically Ogg could replace tar :)
  <MFen> you could have subtitles while you're untarring
  <MFen> "Look! another directory!"
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <dash> i am trying to get Asterisk to work
  <dash> it is stabbing me in the face
  <dreid> yes ... i seem to recall that feature in the documentation
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <glyph> "What?" "Take the red continuation." "What?" "Take the 
          blue continuation." "Huh?" "Take the red continuation."
          "What?"...                            -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <dash> wow. this code does something highly entertaining, but
         nowhere near correct                   -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <exarkun> I think there's a rather large difference between a stale
            twinkie and a kernel swap daemon
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <skreech> How do I keep people from reading my Perl code? Oh wait.
            Ha ha!                              -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <dash> the primary function of the human brain is to make witty
         remarks on irc                         -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <Erwin> I recompiled XFree 4.2 with gcc 3.2-beta-from-cvs with -O42
          and -march-pentium4-800Mhz and I am sure that the MOUSE
          CURSOR is moving 5 % FASTER!
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <PenguinOfDoom> I reject that approach. It has a suspicious lack
                  of internet.                  -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <dash> if python is an orchestra, overloaded operators are
        "miscellaneous percussion"              -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <spiv> As far as I'm concerned, the meat pie is the ultimate unit
         of currency.                           -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <freeside> On a scale of One to AWESOME, twisted.web is PRETTY
             ABSTRACT!!!!                       -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <AdamV> SamB: PHP's basic control structure is the "database 
          timeout error".                       -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <sjj> dash: you certainly are an enigma wrapped in a riddle
        wrapped in a hat.                       -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <lament> Slashdot karma, unfortunately, is not real karma, because
           it doesn't involve the death of the people who have it
                                                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <shawn> the highest calling of technical book writers is to
          destroy the sun                       -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <radix> A VoIP server "powered entirely by stabbing, that I made
          out of this gun I had"                -- from Twisted.Quotes

  <glyph> AND NOW FOR A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSOR
  <glyph> Are you WEIRD?
  <glyph> Are you MADE OF INTERNET?
  <glyph> Use Twisted!  Or die.  http://www.twistedmatrix.com/

  The snakes are optional, as are the electrodes, the molten lead
  and the ritual buggering by syphilitic warthogs. 
                                        -- Tanuki the Raccoon-dog, asr

  MacOSX: Sort of like a pedigree persian cat. Very sleek, very
  sexy, but a little too prone to going cross-eyed, biting you on
  your thumb and then throwing up on your trousers.
                           -- Jim's pedigree of operating systems, asr

  Windows XP: Big cow. Stands there, not especially malevolent
  but constantly crapping on your carpet. Eventually you have to
  open a window to let the crap out or you die.
                           -- Jim's pedigree of operating systems, asr

  Windows 2000: Smaller cow. Just as much crap.
                           -- Jim's pedigree of operating systems, asr

  THEOS: Mad cow. Utterly fucking insane cow, in fact. A cow so
  mad it thinks it's a tetapot. The swamp dragon of the OS world.
                           -- Jim's pedigree of operating systems, asr

  Linux: Horse. Like a wild horse, fun to ride. Also prone to
  throwing you and stamping you into the ground because it doesn't
  like your socks.         -- Jim's pedigree of operating systems, asr

  TRSDOS: Friendly old lizard. Or, at least, content to sit there
  eating flies.            -- Jim's pedigree of operating systems, asr

  (FREE|OPEN) BSD: Shire horse. Solid, reliable, only occasionally
  prone to crushing you against a wall and then only because
  you've told it to without knowing.
                           -- Jim's pedigree of operating systems, asr

  Solaris: Shire horse that dreams of being a race horse,
  blissfully unaware that its owners don't quite know whether
  to put it out to grass, to stud, or to the knackers yard.
                           -- Jim's pedigree of operating systems, asr

  Hmm, that attempt at trolling did not work out as well as I had
  hoped.                                     -- Steve VanDevender, asr

  Back in the old days, software would grow until it could send and
  receive e-mail, but now that even the virusses are doing that, the
  fashion has changed, and now software evolves until it has venomous
  fangs, the better to do serious damage when it sucks.    -- AdB, asr

  I can't see a conspicuous evolutionary advantage in being good
  at higher mathematics.                           -- James Riden, asr

  Please tell me I don't have to break out sarcasm tags. Please.
  Smartassed one-liners are a coping mechanism, and I really need 
  them this week.                               -- Charles Herbig, asr

  LaTeX, pah. Don't be silly. I'm using a homebrew markup system 
  that I wrote in Common Lisp. ;-) 
                             -- Peter Seibel, comp.lang.lisp, talking
                                       about his book "Practical Lisp"

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